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Edit of WTE FINAL- JOSE

Page history last edited by April Sopczak 13 years, 6 months ago

 

                                                                                            boy leaning over a glass

       If a small child with a tattered, mud-stained shirt and pants asked for a dollar so that he can get his next meal, your heart would be broken in two. Children abuse and abandonment is a sore subject for all humans to talk and hear about. (You sure? For some people, it's their job to investigate this.) There are two kinds of abandonment that a child can experience, emotional and physical. (Define these) Both of these can becomeabsolutely devastating to a child's overall self-esteem and the way they perceive life. Throughout my reasearch,I have found that one-fourth of all homeless are children that have been either abandoned by their parents or babies of other homeless couples. (Rework. As written, it says that the children have been abandoned by babies.) I grew up in an area of Florida where children being left on their own without a mother or father was common. (Left where? Were there a lot of homeless kids, or was there a lack of adult supervision? Were they at school or on the street?) Yet I saw first hand how these children didn't want to go home, were always trying to be the center of attention in school or even beating their bodies up in sports for recognition. (Rework for clarity and flow.) This kind of emotional abandonment from the parents to the child hurts me because of the fact that I know many good friends that have been left by their familes. (This opening paragraph needs a clear thesis statement and more structure.)

 

    Emotional abandonment has just as big of an impact on a child's life as just leaving them on the side of the street at the year age of four or five years old. Emotional abandonment is when the parent or legal guardian does not show the child love. (Love or proper attention? Love is vague, attention is more clear.) Love is when they come home from school and have somebody to talk to and be rewarded for there well doing  doing well or when a parent tucks their kids in at night and reads them stories. (Sentence is a bit run-on.) The ways that most parents emotionally abandon their children are is when they just ignore efforts made by the children to get their attention. This is devestating to the child because it leaves them thinking that they are not worthy of love or they are left with the insecurity of themselves. (Rework for clarity.) Studies (Which studies?) show that most children (which children) grow up to become people that play it safe, don't take risks and unmotivtion are unmotivated because of the fact that they believe they can't do it. (How does this relate to your point? State it clearly.) Another way of emotional abuse a child can be emotionally abused, (You went from abandonment to abuse. How does this relate to your thesis? Should this be a new paragraph with a clear transition?) is when a parents is constantly yelling or telling them a child that they are not smart enough or good enough to do something. They (They who? Pronouns relate to the last subject used. This sounds like you are referring to the child.) yelling, hit, and abuse (You are defining abuse in this sentence, so it is not good to use abuse in the definition.) their children when they do something wrong rather than sit them down tell them why it's bad and tell them like human beings to not do it again. (Run-on sentence)This kind of emotional abuse is devastating to the child and the relationship with parents. (Whose parents? All parents? Parents in general?)

 

     Parents that can leave their children after they gave birth to it them are not only monsters, but they should be found and thrown in jail for leaving a helpless baby stranded. (Only birth parents? What about adoptive parents, foster parents or guardians? Or are you talking about abandoning a newborn?) This horrible act is unfortunately common in the United States. (How common? Have any statistics?) People have children, realize that they cannot afford them, and don't want to give them up for adoption, so they just leave them. Another reason is because the parent hates the child just because he was born, and now they have to take care of them, so they just throw them out on the street to take of themselves. (How do you know this - the reasoning behind abandonment? Do you have any statistics or research to back this up?) This is a terrrible act because the child did nothing to ask for this kind of punishment. St. Petersburg has shelters where children that runaway from an abusive household, as well as the children just left abandoned on the street, can sleep and eat. These shelters are beneficial because they provide counseling, schooling, food, and shelter. They also provide children with a sense of security because they know that they will have a next meal, that they will have a bed to sleep on tonight and that they have a group of people that care about their well-being.

 

     The LLS program has given me an opportunity to help others that were not given the chance to succeed at a young age. Children now are our future and we must protect and invest in our future because those are the people that will be running the Fourtune 500 companies. (So, only worry about future CEO's?) This program is truly one-of-a-kind because it allows me to express where I want money to go and who I feel should get the grant. The LLS program has given me the opportunity to help out children that where are growing up like some of my best friends did and help them succeed in life and to break out of their destined path. (Run-on sentence) Also, the program will help me become a leader and have more confidence in my voice,which is why I feel that this program for the grant is beneficial to me as a person. Hopefully, I will grow and learn more about myself through out this program.

 

I believe this is supposed to be an informative essay. What you have written is a persuasive essay based on emotional appeal. An informative essay needs a clear thesis statement. You should take on the role of teacher/expert and assume that your audience is unfamiliar with your topic. The body of the essay should support your essay with objective facts. The conclusion should summarize your facts and not introduce any new material not supported by your essay. -April

 

Right now your essay is only 786 words, so I'm sure you are still working on it. I hope this helps!

 

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