September in America Just words We the People More of the Shame HOPE And the Beat Goes On

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He was 13 when he put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger.  She was 16 when she was found hanging from her bedroom window.  He was 12 when his mother found him hanging from a belt in the closet.  He was 15 and hanging from a tree.  He was 18 when he jumped off a bridge.  He was 11 and dead in his bedroom closet.  He was 13 and dead in his bathroom.

 
He was 12 when he wrote his suicide note.

 

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September in America

 

 

 

Billy Lucas, a 15-year-old from Greensburg, Indiana, committed suicide by hanging himself from a tree (Sep 9, 2010). His friends say he was bullied for years by classmates who suspected he was gay.

 

 

 

 

 

Tyler Clementi, an 18-year-old freshman at Rutgers University, ended his life last week (Sep 22, 2010) by jumping off the George Washington Bridge after Tyler's college roommate outed him on the Internet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Asher Brown, a 13-year-old eighth-grader,  committed suicide last Thursday (Sep 23, 2010) after relentless anti-gay bullying.  The day he shot himself, he was kicked down a flight of stairs at his Houston school.

 

 

 

 

 

Seth Walsh, a 13-year-old an eighth-grader, died after 10 days on life support (Sep 27, 2010) following a hanging attempt.  Seth was also the target of antigay bullying.

 

 

 

 

 

Raymond Chase, a 19-year-old Johnson and Wales college sophomore, took his own life this past Wednesday (Sep 29, 2010) .   Raymond was openly gay and apparently hanged himself in his dorm room. The circumstances surrounding his death are not yet known.

 

 

 

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In 1998, a 21-year-old University of Wyoming student was brutally attacked because he was gay.  His attackers left him dying, tied up to a fence in the middle of nowhere.  He died six days later from traumatic head injuries.  His name was Matthew Shepherd.  His death and his attackers' motivations led to federal hate crimes protections. 

 

The play, The Laramie Project was created as a reaction to Matthew's death and to counter homophobia.

 

 

 

 

I suppose I should consider myself lucky.  I survived the bully who verbally abused me for two years.  There were no bruises.  Nary a punch was landed.  They were just words. 

 

Just words

 They’re just words.  They’re just words that kill kids.

 

Bully.  Why not terrorist?  How about murderer?  Kids will be kids; kids will kill kids.  Kids will heckle, tease, taunt, poke, prod, intimidate, threaten, punch, beat, kick, stab, shoot, burn, tie up, leave for dead, and torture kids.

 

Where do kids learn these words and acts?  Where do they get the idea it’s okay to demonize, torment, and otherwise castigate their peers?  Other kids?  Adults?  Their parents?  Television?  Movies?  Video games?  Music?  Books?  Comics?  

How about our government, our laws?

 

We the People

 

The US Constitution, Article I, Section 2 used to read: "Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons."

We fought a bitter civil war to amend “three fifths of all other Persons.”  The effects of which are long lasting.

Despite the 14th Amendment, passed in 1868, providing equal treatment under the law, a system of state and local Jim Crow laws created “separate but equal” water fountains, lunch counters, and schools for non-whites.  Those laws are gone - or are they?

The Civil Rights Act of 1964 prohibits discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, and national origin.  Does anyone doubt these issues still exist today?

American women only attained the right to vote in their own country a scant 90 years ago.  Despite the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009, women still make less money on average than men.

Thirty one of our states specifically restrict marriage rights from gays and lesbians.  Five states legalized same-sex marriage and provide state-level marriage benefits.  However, the US Congress passed The Defense of Marriage Act denying same-sex married couples over 200 federal benefits afforded to heterosexual married couples.

The US military prohibited gays and lesbians from serving in the military calling them mentally depraved, mentally ill, and security risks.  In 1993, the law nicknamed, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) allowed gays to serve in the military for the first time in American history.  Of course, there was a catch.  Gays and lesbians could serve in uniform provided they were willing to hide or lie about their personal lives.

Florida law doesn’t allow same-sex couples to adopt children (the only state in the union that doesn’t).

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More of the Shame

 

When a society chooses to categorize, segregate, or otherwise provide special treatment to any group, that is in itself the very definition of discrimination.  When these messages of special treatment trickle down to children, they often do not understand the hows or whys of discrimination.  They only understand the basic idea of “the other”.  When you’re a kid, it’s rarely a good thing to stand out.  Like an errant nail sticking up in a two-by-four, you’re liable to be whacked back into place.

It's not sanctioned, but school kids enforce their own version of DADT.  If you’re different, don’t show it.  If you’re too hyper active, too smart, too tall, too fat, too ugly, too smelly, too poor, too effeminate, too boyish, too weak, too quiet, too this, too that ... bury it.  Hide your light.  Be like everyone else.  That’s where it’s safe.

In the case of being perceived as gay, children receive the message that being gay is worse than being dead.  I’m gay and will never have kids of my own.  Why should I care about kids killing themselves?  Because I was bullied and called a faggot as a kid.  Taunted incessantly, I wrote my suicide note at age 12.

 

At 39 years of age, I remember my seventh grade English class like it was yesterday.  My ear is being flicked by my bully as he whispers, "faggot" and "queerbate".  I shrug forward trying to get out of his reach.  I can remember thinking, “Can't the teacher see this happening?  Why won't she help me?”  The bell rings, I'm free.  My bully follows me down the hall, tripping me, telling his friends about how much I love to suck cock.  Summer vacation was never long enough.

When I wrote my suicide note, I apologized to my mother.  I felt like I let her down.  I felt worthless because I was gay.  Who would ever want a gay child?  I told her I loved her, but couldn’t go on with the pain.  I distinctly remember writing the words, “I killed myself because I am gay.”  

School systems also have their own cruel version of Don't Ask, Don't Tell for bullies.  Kids are paralyzed by bullies.  Bullies enforce silence with threats, intimidation, and violence.  Schools sanction bad behavior with inaction.  Parents inadvertently enable bullies by telling their victim children to ignore the problem.  It'll go away eventually.  Words can't hurt you.  As an adult, I don’t understand why parents say that.  We know words can hurt you.

 

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HOPE

 

When I was kid in the 80s, we didn’t have safe havens like gay-straight alliances (GSA).  Today, most schools still don’t have these organizations.  Amazingly, I just learned that Pinellas county has the most GSAs in any county in America.  They offer a refuge for anyone on the receiving end of bullies.  However, society's fear of talking about sexuality with younger kids keeps clubs like these out of most middle and elementary schools. 

Where then is a refuge for kids not yet in high school?  One would hope parents or school counselors would be that understanding advocate.  Provided, of course, these adults send messages to kids that it’s okay to talk about being different, being bullied, or being suicidal.  That's not always the case, especially if the parents themselves are closed-minded.  Younger kids are at the most risk.

 

Where schools fail, others come to the rescue.  Non-school organizations like The Trevor Project - Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) - and Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) provide a safe haven for kids, teach tolerance, and educate the public.  GLSEN shines a spot light on bullies once year in their "Day of Silence" program.  Despite the efforts of these groups, kids are still dying.

 

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And the Beat Goes On

 

Connect the dots.  We, as a country, single out all sorts of people.  We single out faggots, dykes, retards, dorks, geeks, bitches, hoes, bastards, midgets, giants, fatties, weaklings, and other freakazoids with our laws, rules, stigmas, and special classes.  Everything we do that singles out someone for being different sends a distinct message.  It says something must be wrong with them.  How does that message trickle down from parents to kids when they see it in school, on the playground, in movies, on television, or in the news?  How does that message trickle down from teacher to student when they discuss current events?  How does that message trickle down from bully to victim when someone says, “You’re so gay.”

Connect the dots.  We are a country of laws.  We constantly reinforce kids with the idea that America's laws are fair and just.  We teach them our laws are made to protect the People.  If our laws single out groups for the good of society, that message empowers the bully, big and small.  Laws from Jim Crow to the Defense of Marriage Act create a national consciousness supporting the bully.  Our laws send a message about who we value in our society - and who we don't.  That message trickles down to our kids who hear that message - and act on it.

When I think about laws that separate us, I become upset.  As sad as it is to see, I’m not at all surprised to see another story about a kid swinging from a rope in their closet.  It’s just another day in America.

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"Into the Woods"
Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim

Careful the things you say,
Children will listen.
Careful the things you do,
Children will see.
And learn.
Children may not obey,
But children will listen.
Children will look to you
For which way to turn,
To learn what to be.
Careful before you say,
Listen to me.
Children will listen.

 

Back to WTI Portfolio 

 

 

Jay, yet again another powerful and beautifully written piece of art! As someone who was bullied in middle school, and has written her fair share of suicide notes, this definitely connects with your audience. One of my best friends is a lesbian, and she is also overweight. Every day of high school, she would come to me with another story of how some group made fun of her weight, how some group called her a faggot and queer and a morbidly obese fruitcake.... Often times I felt like my words were not enough. All I could say was "Go to a counselor, tell them, and try to ignore everyone else". Because that's what I was taught - to ignore bullies. When I was little, I was too young to understand why people were making fun of me, and I often wish I still had the innocence with me in middle and high school, because my life was a lot simpler when I was younger and didn't understand why I was different.

 

I can see that you used repitition, ellipsis, suspense, and pictures to help get your point across (all things we had to read about in MHG). Great job at executing this. Keep it up. -Andrea

 

Thanks for the feedback, Andrea. I initially wrote it out of anger and needing to journal.  Unfortunately, the list is growing by the day.  I had to add two more names to the piece today (Sep 29). ~ Jay

 

This is a great topic you have here. It's sad to see that people can be so insensitive to other people's feelings. Back in St. Lucia there was also an incident involving homosexuality. A young man who was openly gay was brutally beaten on a beach, tied to a tree, and left to die. His body was found the next day. I'm not sure if anyone was ever persecuted in that case. One of my friends was also taunted by his friends because they believed he was gay when he was not. Gladly this didn't lead to any form of attempted suicide, but this shouldn't be happening. I may be trying to avoid the issue, but I don't have any view on the whole gay/straight discussion. I simply believe that people have a right to do as they please and the people who live in this world have a responsibility to understand the people around them. This lack of understanding is the basis for all international conflicts: the war in Afghanistan, the land disputes in Israel, and many other conflicts. As a fellow citizen of the world, I have made it my responsibility to understand people BEFORE I  try to judge them. I believe the rest of the world needs to think like this. - Ronald

 

Power piece Boda.  I wrote a few more comments, just rambling really.  Words can hurt and words can heal.  Let’s hope that by educating people – with insightful writing such as this (or powerful films to educate those who experience life more visually) – we teach the generations after us to judge less and to love more.  And to follow the advice of this bumper sticker cliché “Just Be Kind”.  - kms

    

Thanks Ronald and KMS for your feedback.  I started this essay in reaction to Asher Brown's suicide.  He was the latest in string of bullying-related suicides I had read about over the past year.  His was the only face and story I included in the original essay.  In the process of writing and editing the essay,  I learned about four more gay kids who had ended their lives just in the month of September.  I've struggled to remain neutral in language in the spirit of writing to inform.  I'm unsure of my success.  I'm happy September is over.  Let's hope October brings lessons, awareness, and help for those with bullies in their lives.  ~ Jay

 

Sadly, another on 9.22.10, only recently public:  Tyler Clementi.

 

Jay -

I can remember thinking, “Can't the teacher see this happening? Why won't she help me?”

I can only speak for myself, but I suspect this is a common thought among the bullied. Kids who are being tormented at school don't have their parents there to defend them, kids won't defend them out of fear that they might become the target, and teachers won't defend them because....why? What is their motivation to ignore it, to turn the other cheek? I remember thinking that I wanted to become a teacher so that I could put bullies in their place. I feel that teachers have the opportunity to prevent so much of this, they are supposed to be objective and fair, and they are supposed to act like adults. I've often read articles about the teachers themselves being the bullies, but that is another story. In general this essay really struck a chord with me, and I think it will have that effect on anyone who has been tortured, whatever the reason may be. Good job, keep working on this!! -Kelsey

 

Kelsey - thanks for the feedback.  I don't necessarily blame teachers per se.  They behave how the school systems' handbooks tell them to behave.  Kids pass through metal detectors these days and check their weapons at the door.  A pair of finger nail clippers have never been so dangerous.  Since the machines we trust to protect our children let hateful words and attitudes pass by without a pat down, obviously these things are harmless to our kids.  Why should teachers do anything about them?

 

When a society puts rules into place demeaning, sub-categorizing, and making any group an "other" - bullies move in to enforce those rules.  Bullies can be kids, teachers, administrators, school boards, PTAs, parents, police, city councils, mayors, lawmakers, judges, pundits, newspaper editors, text book makers ... any role in our society that makes and enforces rules/laws/divisions/classes/etc.  Our society seems to have substituted compartmentalization for compassion in the mix of ingredients we govern ourselves by.   We shouldn't be surprised when bullies move in to protect the barriers  between us. ~ Jay