I commented on her page saying "I like your "who you are" rap. especially when you mentioned birds, because I like birds :)"
Andrea said
at 11:29 am on Aug 31, 2010
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"I want to study marine biology as well :) and I love sea turtles too!"
I commented on Daniella's page because she mentioned birds,
"I felt like a free bird that sings
With nothing in the world to lose"
When I was little, my neighborhood friend and I found a bird in her front yard, we were too young to know what to do, so we ignored the bird and went swimming. A couple years later, I found a bird in my front yard that had fallen out of a tree. I was old enough to know that I should tell my parents. My dad tried to save it, but it died. A couple years ago, my dog got a hold of a baby bird, and I managed to get her to drop the bird. Then we took the bird to a vet who saved it. The point im trying to make is, that for me, birds symbolize growth of knowledge. Birds have been a reappearing object in my life that I have connected with learning.
With Jenna's page, she mentioned how she likes marine biology and loves sea turtles. I connected with Jenna because I also love sea turtles and marine biology. It reminds me of "Finding Nemo" and the wicked sea turtle Squirt.
" Andrea wrote
at 11:43 am on Sep 7, 2010
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Suggestions for Change:
1) WHO WROTE THIS? I created the page so I could comment solely on this.
2) for a research paper, "tryin'" should be "trying". Delete "that" in sentence 2 "i was worried that...", the sentence can stand with just "I was worried my work load..."
3) Add a comma to "Seeing as I am here now, and...."
4) "SOL"? in research paper, bad idea.
5) May also want to talk about global warming, which will cause the icebergs to melt, meaning that our oceans will become more fresh water (icebergs contain 70% of our planets fresh water supply), and the salinity will be off balance, killing most sea animals.
6) You SHOULD go into all the problems and why we SHOULD become greener.
7) Select (out of research) who the grant deserves to go to. I cant really go much further with this peer editing without knowing who you want to give it to." on Go Green Pinellas!
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Comments aren't working for me - so here it goes:
My suggestions to make your writing to explore better:
1) Break your ginormous paragraph into smaller paragraphs so it isn't so intimidating and run-on.
2) You mention Metropolitan Ministries, but I only see that they help your problem - but not HOW they help. Why should I believe they deserve the grant? What have they done recently to help the homeless?
3) You state the problem is no education and that homelessness can be prevented. But what about the people who are homeless who deserve to be? Who have never done any kind of work in their life, who aren't willing to get help, and who have no desire to better themselves? These types survive by preying on those who feel bad, by going to soup kitchens and eating food, and moving from place to place. What about THOSE homeless people - how can the metropolitan ministries change them?
4) The problem, in your opinion, seems to start with the education system. Why not find another program that educates students and families how to prevent homelessness, instead of changing those who have made bad judgment a bad habit?
5) State some facts! How many are homeless in Pinellas/Hillsborough County?
6) WHY SHOULD I CARE? I always hear about helping the homeless...it's so old. Make me want to care for this cause.
7) Did you hear about the recent problem in Lakeland? They are looking to ban homeless people from camps. Basically kicking them out of town. -Andrea Inman" on Education
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Andrea said
at 11:19 am on Sep 7, 2010
Reply
These are my suggestions to make your writing to explore better!
1) Add a catchy introduction so it grabs the audience's attention. Use ethos, pathos and logos. Is there an experience you have that relates to this subject? If so, write it! (i would suggest the 2nd paragraph where you state you like environmental activism)
2) Did you take notes from your interview? If so, I would maybe include some quotes from one of the representatives from SEAS.
3) What has SEAS or the Sierra Club done to help the environment? Make your audience believe they deserve the money.
4) Big Brothers and Sisters? What does this have to do with Environmental Change?
5) Include some facts: Do research!" on Environment
"This is wonderful writing Daniella, but I'm quite unsure if you did the assignment correctly. What non profit organization or need in our community do you see that we can change with our grant? Yes I agree that anyone can be leaders, but as leaders ourselves, what do you want to do in this community? Maybe, from your example above, you believe that helping prevent suicide would be an excellent cause to donate money to. Try applying the principals you stated in this, and figure out where you want to go for our grant. - Andrea Inman" on Danielle's Rough Draft
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Tim, I read/skimmed your final draft, and I LOVED the diction in the first couple paragraphs. “Struggling”, “Crushing” – they paint solid images of tough times in my head and engage the reader, and prompts them to continue reading. The problem I noticed in your essay is you tend to repeat “The Collins Center deserves this….” “The Collins Center helps this…”, and after a bit it gets annoying and the reader may detach. Try to mix it up. I would be interested in knowing some statistics of how the Collins Center has helped solve some issues in Florida.
One of the first responses I had was to your statement, “Sure, we can gather information about organizations through staff interviews and such but they automatically will have a bias” – Well duh they are going to have a bias view! They believe in their cause and want to change what they set out to do. A good interview would make obvious if a nonprofit is helping the community as they say they are. You ask “what is your goal?”, “how have you achieved your goal thus far?”, and “what plans do you have to further achieve your goals?”, “do you have records of what you have improved?”, “Why do YOU believe in this?” etc. You ask these questions to multiple employees, and you will get a feel of what the organization is really about. -Andrea Inman" on Tim's
Martha, first I want to mention some errors in your paper that you should correct.
- "specters" is a ghost or apparition. I believe you mean spectators
- delete the word "our" before tourism in first sentence.
- Comma after Unfortunately in first paragraph
- Tourist should be plural in first paragraph
- "All though" is actually "Although" (second paragraph)
Other than that, I love where you are going with this. Beaches and tourism are definitely a huge deal. Maybe you can talk about The Pier closing down? What happened with the tourism there? Also, how many beaches are in Florida? You said "over 3,000 beaches in Florida closed down" - how many ARE THERE? Thats a huge number. Discuss how we should distribute our grant to help this cause. Have you researched any non profits that have the potential to do this?
I would take a gander at the Final Draft rubric, because I feel you would score low on the "Expansive coverage" aspect. Find some videos, or music, or interviews. Link to other pages that will help your audience understand. Paint the image of a cycle so they can see HOW catastrophic the cycle really is. - Andrea Inman on Martha's