It won't go away.  It won't die.  It won't let me be.

I'm tired of writing about it.  I'm tired of having to make phone calls about it.  I'm tired of speaking at town halls about it.  I'm tired of begging friends to pay attention to it.

For the past 17 years, it's been reduced to four words that don't even approach describing what it really is. 

I've lived with it for 20 years.  I still live with it.

It made me invisible.  It made my partner invisible.  It made me lie to my friends and coworkers.  It made me rebellious towards my country. It made me an activist.

It scared my mother.  People have been killed because of it.

It created stress and gave me an ulcer at 21.  It created fear and gave me an anxiety disorder at 28.  At age 38, I survived it - but not without scars.

It affects both men and women.  Statistically, women face it more than any other group.

At a moment's notice, it could wipe out my career.  Words have power.  By saying three words, three syllables, it could make everything I worked for disappear.

It was there waiting for me when I deployed to Iraq, Kuwait, Egypt, Indonesia, Kenya, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, England, Italy, and Germany.  It followed me on vacations to Ireland, France, Belgium, The Netherlands, Luxemburg, and Sweden.  It greeted me at Customs when I returned to the United States.

As a country, having it puts us in the company with the likes of China, Iran, North Korea, Pakistan, Syria, and Yemen.

It was there in the interrogation booth as I talked to insurgents intent on killing me and my countrymen.

It was in my headquarters office when I was stationed under the Florida sun.

I earned the highest possible performance evaluations 20 years in a row along with ten medals for various achievements - in spite of it - probably because of it.

I've made friends because of it.  I lost friends because of it.  It divides allies while arguing strategy to destroy it.

It made me cry, laugh, shout, blog, demonstrate, wince, sigh, and clench my teeth.

Soldiers have handcuffed themselves to the White House fence because of it.

12,000 flags were installed on the National Mall to demonstrate the damage it has wrought.

Millions of tax dollars are wasted because of it.  Approximately 14,000 dreams are destroyed because of it.  Even more voluntarily walk away from their dreams to escape it.

It weakens our nation's security.  The al-Qaeda message, "Tomorrow is zero hour" went untranslated on September 10th possibly because of it.

It's codified into federal law: US Code, Title 10, Subtitle A, Part II, Chapter 37, Section 654.  The military must enforce it.

A majority of Americans, regardless of political stripe, are against it and yet, it persists.

It's been judged unconstitutional and yet, it persists.

The President is against it and yet, it persists.

Yesterday, America voted to keep it.  And I take it very personally.

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Writing about something without saying what it is is kinda what it's like to live under Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT).  You know it's there.  It's always there, but unless you spill the beans, most folks don't even think about it.  It's not on their RADAR.

I chose to share what happened to me yesterday because if I didn't, I would continue a life of deceit.  Pretending I wasn't kicked in the gut was what I did for the 20 years I was on active duty.  Having to be nonchalant after a gay sailor was murdered and pretending I didn't care for fear I would be suspected of being gay was how I survived.  Watching the numbers of gay troops being kicked out go from tens, hundreds, thousands, to the tens of thousands was heart-breaking.  I was talking about football at work.  That is life under DADT.

I rarely consider myself a 2nd class citizen.  I did yesterday.  I completely felt 2nd class when the Senate filibustered the defense spending bill - which contains the DADT repeal provision. 

Yesterday's vote was probably the last realistic chance to get Don't Ask, Don't repealed this year - possibly for another generation.  The political reality is the bill won't be looked at again until after the midterm elections.  If the Democrats lose seats as they're predicted to, the lame duck session may push the defense bill to the next Congress.  If that happens, the DADT repeal provision will most likely be stripped away.  Other options exist.  President Obama could display historic leadership and issue an executive order to stop discharging his LGB soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines.  It's never happened, but theoretically, he could do it.  The decision from the 9th circuit striking down DADT as unconstitutional could go unchallenged by Obama's Justice Department.  Again... that's to be seen.  Meanwhile, the discharges continue.

We are turning this into an in depth discussion. There will be MUCH more to come!!!

What's truly frustrating to me is DADT was originally meant to be a baby step towards open and honest service for LGB servicemembers.  It wasn't supposed to be a permanent solution.  With DADT in place, the military for the first time said, homosexuals could serve their country.  They were welcomed to serve when Uncle Sam stopped asking if you are gay.  Of course, the catch was gay soldiers had to be dishonest about their lives in uniform.  The policy goes beyond not saying, "I am gay."  It's about lying about what you did over the weekend.  Where you went for vacation.  Who you hang out with.  What music you like.  All these observations and questions come up in day to day life - military or civilian.  It's small talk.  If you're gay, an honest answer can destroy your career.  I compartmentalized and lied for 20 years.  It's not fair to ask anyone to do that in exchange for wanting to serve their country.  And it comes with baggage - and scars.

Yesterday, the planets aligned to make the Senate vote possible to begin the process to dismantle DADT.  It cannot be underestimated how rare an opportunity it was.  A vote that could have made approximately 65,000 LGB troops 1st class citizens along side their straight comrades.  And just like that, the chance slipped away.

We are in 4311/6319 discussing the realities of making a change in this policy. What I think I hear Casey is saying is that the general public has moved beyond this discussion in its acceptance of LGBT individuals as being "just like everyone else."  Her point being that it's time for this to change. I think the situation is very complex, and the issue is nowhere near the "front" of public consciousness. Most Americans are worried about keeping/losing their jobs, homes, pensions.... I don't think there is much of a chance that the American public will push this issue to the point where it will make sense for politicians and military leaders to buck the status quo. - Shawn D. 10/5/2010

I'm floored to see/hear/read your class discussed DADT.  I would've loved to be a fly on the wall.  Both positions related above are spot on.  Most Americans are indeed ready for this policy to be part of our checkered history.  And, yes.  There are other pressing issues going on in the world right now.  If you took a poll today, repealing DADT would not be in the top spot (much less the top 10 or 100) of issues most Americans are concerned about.  Of course, less than 1% of Americans actually serve their country in uniform (to include a vast majority in Congress, many of the military service secretaries, and two recent Presidents).  Military issues rarely rise to the top of the priority pile except when the rainbow-colored terror guide twitches from yellow to orange.  That's not to demean Americans' patriotism, it's just a fact.

As I mentioned above, the Senate vote a couple of weeks ago was the last best chance to repeal DADT legislatively - probably for a generation.  If DADT does goes away, it'll most likely be done via the courts.  Two cases have been ruled on in the past month or so.  They harbor good news for dismantling DADT.  Like so many divisive issues in America, the People didn't discover the error of their ways and make the change themselves.  They were forced when the judiciary stepped in and made the change the People refused to make on their own.  In any case, if it means there's one standard of service and everyone can serve honestly, I'll take it.  ~ Jay Boda

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