Hi Amber... I only edited a portion of your draft.  I stopped because I think the most important feedback I can give you is ... make this your own.  I'm not hearing YOUR voice in this piece.  A personal experience or something that happened to a friend or family member makes a big impact.  This reads very traffic school, safety briefing ... zzzzzz

Facts are good.  We like facts.  That said, sprinkle them like seasoning through out the piece.  No one eats a big bowl of salt.  Facts make the meat of the piece stronger and compelling.  But we need more meat.  We need more of your voice.  We need more original reasoning from Amber.  Why YOU think drinking and driving is bad.  Something drew you to the topic ... talk about that.  THEN as you talk about why you think DUI needs to stop - back up your claims with facts.

Something I did as I wrote my last piece was put (X) every where I needed a footnote to back up a claim.  While I wrote, I didn't want to stop my flow of writing to gather my footnote info.  When I was finished with my draft, I searched for all the (X)s and then created my footnotes / bibliography.  I recommend this for you as I didn't see any markings for footnotes backing up where you got your stats/facts.

Hope that helps. ~ Jay

Thanks Jay! This does help. After I got all my facts down I wanted to talk about person experiences but I wasn't sure if that was acceptable in this kind of writing, I know that it is formal but I wasn't sure I could use I, me, you, kinds of things. Thanks for the advice I greatly appreciate it!!! It really does help a lot. It is clear to me now about what I need to add, to make this paper my own which is what I'd like to do! 

Thanks again a lot for your help! I appreciate it!

-Amber 

Amber Schlage
Enc 1102
Drinking while driving

In America, an average of 12,000 people die every year in DUI-related accidents. 900,000 (spell out numbers if they start a sentence - try to avoid if you can) are arrested each year for DUI/DWI and a full 1/3 of those are repeat offenders. These numbers are continuing(passive) continue to grow every year, by the day, by the minute. Every twenty two minutes, someone dies in an alcohol-related motor vehicle accident. Crashes can happen so easily when under the influence of alcohol, just one in five young drivers involved in fatal auto mobile crashes had been drinking. (confusing - revise)  That could be one person out of your group of friends could be dead from a drunk driving accident. That one person out of five could be one of your friends.  This matter is something that is continuing to grow, with the number sky rocketing through the roof. (repeats a point from above - add more info or delete it.)  There have been many people, organizations, and leaders who have tired to end this tragic epidemic, but is talking about it and spreading the stories and facts that is going to convince people to become safer drivers?  With ten million regular consumers of alcohol in the United States who are under the legal drinking age of twenty one, eight young Americas die every single day in alcohol-related crashes. 

In the human body, the alcohol to blood proportion to blood is usually revealed as calledthe blood alcohol concentration (BAC). When talking about traffic safety and its issues, (unnecessary)BAC is showed as percentage of alcohol in deciliters of blood - for example, 0.20 percent represents 0.20 grams per deciliter. A 160-pound individual will have a BAC of approximately 0.04 percent just one hour after drinking two 12-ounce beers or two other standard drinks on an empty stomach. In every state in the country, specific laws stipulate drinking and driving BAC limits. According to these laws, it is illegal to drive any type of vehicle while having a BAC over the specific specifiedlimit. The BAC limit for drivers age 21 and older (unnecessary - drinking is illegal for everyone under 21) is now 0.08 for inall states.  A driver's ability to split his attention between two or more sources of visual information can be impaired by a BAC of 0.02 percent or lower. But, when a BAC of 0.05 percent or more has been reached, the impairment occurs in the psychomotor performance: the driver has slower eye movements, visual perception, reaction time, and information processing. The risk of a motor vehicle crash increases as a driver's BAC increases and the more demanding the driving task, the greater the impairment caused by even low doses of alcohol. One of the most important variables related to crash risk is, according to recent research, youthful age—teenagers. Young drivers are known to be inexperienced in driving. It is clear that when alcohol is added to the equation, the effects will only get worse. Young people have crash rates that are substantially higher than those of other groups, especially at low and moderate BAC's. Even when alcohol is not involved, lack of experience and immaturity (specific to teen drivers) remain the main causes of motor vehicle crashes among drivers ages 16 to 20. Some studies have concluded that drivers in this age group have a greater risk than older drivers of being involved in a fatal crash even with a BAC of 0.00 percent. The fact is, their lack of driving experience renders them less likely than more experienced drivers to cope successfully with hazardous situations. And, combined with an inclination for risky driving behavior such as speeding—along with a tendency to underestimate dangerous consequences of such behaviors and to overestimate their driving skills—contributes to the high crash rate among young drivers.

 Along with the many excuses that people seem to come up with for drinking and driving accidents there are also many myths about drinking while under the influence of alcohol, ultimately leading to the Facts about drinking and driving to be lost in the excuses. A few common myths that people believe will help them sober up are coffee will wake them up enough to drive safely, only the caffeine in coffee will make a person jittery but it cannot keep the driver alert and restore judgment lost to alcohol consumption. Saying, “I stay with beer and never drink the hard stuff so I’ll be fine to drive.” Is not a smart move either, alcohol is alcohol. A 12 oz beer has as much alcohol as a 1.5 oz whiskey or 5 oz of wine. Many people who believe this drink more beer and become more intoxicated than if they had only consumed one or two whiskeys. It is said that bigger people can handle their alcohol better so they can drink and still drive, although thhe first drink of alcohol begins to slow your motor skills, vision and judgment. It is true that body size does figure in the rate alcohol affects a person, but one must also consider individual metabolism, the amount of rest had the person has had and when they last ate. All of this makes for some very complex calculations regarding when it is safe for anyone who has consumed alcohol to drive. “As long as I roll down the window and get some fresh air I’ll be fine. I’ll turn up the radio really loud. I’ll splash cold water on my face.” All simple things that people may used to wake themselves up when they haven’t been drinking, but one more time – Alcohol is alcohol is alcohol. Time is the only way to lower blood alcohol level. Cold wind or cold water in ones face will not return alertness, motor skills or judgment. “When I’ve been drinking, I compensate by driving very slowly.” Drinking and driving is not safe at any speed. In fact, even driving too slowly will make a traffic hazard and could cause a crash. Along with these things when a law enforcement officer sees someone driving particularly slow especially on a night when one might typically go out this may give them the suspicion that that driving has been drinking and it will give them a reason to pull that car over.

The next time you get behind the wheel of a car, after you have been out with your friends, having a few drinks, stop and take a moment to think about these facts, these large numbers that are continuing to grow. Being that one person every twenty two minutes is not something that a person wants to be or their families want to deal with. Thinking about them may also be a great factor in ones decision to not drink and drive. There as so many consequences for just a simple action it is not worth the risk, not work the effects it may have after that person under the influence of alcohol is behind the wheel.