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Dstern- Feedback unit 4

Page history last edited by Ehle so fly 13 years, 5 months ago

Feedback to me

As a sports fan growing up in America, what sport do you play? This is the question asked by young kids in our country. (good hook, deffinitley will interest the reader- but it is a little confusing.. instead maybe: As a sports fan in America, what is the main sport played today? I don't know exactly where you are trying to go with this but try to be more specific) To this day the sport known as America's (need possesive ' - also maybe be more specific in this sentence)sport is baseball. Since the 21st century the label of baseball being Americas sport has been second guessed (reword this) by younger children these days(repetitive "these days"). Baseball is clearly Americas sport to this day, for reason from the past and present. (give reasoning here for why you think baseball in americas favorite sport to this day, elaborate your case)Our (instead: my, or the) objective should be to inform our new generations why baseball is still Americas sport and always will be.

Baseball is known as Americas sport for many different reasons. (i would put this sentence in first paragraph) One reason is due to the history of the game. (state reasons in first paragraph before you go into the body) "If there is any sport out there with history and tradition it is baseball." (citation needed here) For example baseball made a major impact in U.S history by starting a change in the color barrier. Segregation was a major problem in our country by not allowing any african Americans to play in the major leagues. Jackie Robinson was the first african american play to have the opportunity to play with the best players in the world. This opportunity was given to Jackie by Brooklyn Dodgers general manager, Branch Rickey. Branch called signing Jackie Robinson as "great experiment". That "great experiment" made major impact on our country for the best, by starting to movement that everybody is created equal.

keep up the good work, here is some advice. More will come when I continue to see where you are taking us with this! - Ehle